You CANNOT be serious...

I got an email from a co-worker about plastics and 'greening' our earth. While reading the article I found a link that drew my attention, and from there I was taken to a chinzy (sp?) forum where I saw a link about "Christian Dating Advice". I thought, "this will be good", especially because it came from a group of Baptists. (Do you sense the sarcasm?)

Check this out. I was ROTF when I was done reading this. Hope you aren't too scarred while reading it...just a warning.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

If you have grown up in a Christian home that believes in the Holy Bible, then most certainly, you have limited yourself to chaperoned dating until the age of 21. If you are truly saved, it is not until your 21st birthday, that the thought of dating someone without adult supervision would even enter your mind.

These tips are for Christian men, age 21 or older. If you are truly saved, you are looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey, for there is no other way for a marriage to honor God without following the strict Biblical principles that God has laid out for us in the Bible.

If you have found such a creature and she is not bobbed of hair, nor wont for excess in make-up or lewd attire, then you must prepare yourself for a first date. Here are a few tips to get you prepared for your first date.

GODLY SECRETS TO DATING SUCCESS
1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.

2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.

3. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.

4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.

5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.

6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!

7. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.

8. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.

9. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."

10. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.

11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!

Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.

The art of attraction...

The other night the topic of pick up lines came up. Of course the usual came out:

*Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
*(checking the tag on the other persons' shirt) Just wanted to see where in heaven you were made.
*How you doin'?

Then we blanked. No one could come up with another line. Seriously, is that all the better we can get? Have we lost complete track of the art of "picking someone up"?

If anyone's got some lines - would LOVE to hear them.

Paraphrased.

What friends are friends? I cannot know.
Those that you make in prison are not on the outside.
Those you make while drunk are not while sober.
Those you make while rich are not while poor.
I'm scared the sad fact is that when it comes down to it;
All friends are a convenience of the moment.
Scared I say because I have always prayed, thought and felt that it was otherwise.

There are good people, yes. There is compassion, charity, selflessness, and help. But all of it is fleeting and then it's just me, and God.

Tri again?

Maria Edgeworth says it better than most:

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,
All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.

There is plenty to do in life- there is just very little that I, personally, get to do - because of life. You enjoy the ride, though, and really enjoy the things you want to do.

Last weekend I was able to head up to Shreveport, LA with Lisa and Jared for a Sprint Triathlon called River Cities Triathlon. It was such a fun trip. My cheeks are still sore from the laughter - and biking. It's amazing how time away can really recharge you in ways you didn't expect it to. 4 states down, 46 to go - there is just so much that I want to do...I'm like a kid in a candy shop searching for my next race!!

If anyone wants to join me for a 3 mile swim, please let me know...you'll need a wetsuit, though.

Nixon: Part Duex

Just before lunch I got a IC call from our head assistant. She asked me to come to her desk. I have very good repoir with her, so I was going to say something quip to her as I rounded to her area. As I turn the corner there are two cops along with this woman and another colleague. I heard one one of my co-workers explain to the cop, "...no, he doesn't have a goatee".

Apparently one of our Admins was ripped off today, in the office. Her desk is right next to one of the Principals and the kitchen door. You would think this would be the last place for someone to go snooping around.

I found out that this guy had my same stature, similar haircut (reddish in nature), no facial hair, and had messed up teeth. So, he's the same, but not the same...

So, everyone at work now walks by me calling me "crook"...Nice!..."I am not a Crook"

Where to get the campaign money...

I would vote for me...

I, also, would like to thank Gram's for sporting the trusty old tramp stamp in my favor!

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?code=99IMF16Ayk33zmU158m0.

2'ish minutes of fame

Last weekend I was able to go home and see the family for a reunion. It was one of the most incredible trips that I've taken. We had an uncle come back from the Phillipines working contract for the military. My cousin came back from Germany before being shipped to Romania, and then Honduras. My other cousin and her husband brought their 4 and 6 year old. I hadn't met the kids yet. They are awesome! There was 28 of us at the cabin. We only missed one of the cousins from Minnesota. Otherwise, the whole Turner clan got together. Even my brother made it back from Alaska.

He's quite the rolling stone! He Rocks My Face Off. (I have the greatest brothers! Both of them Rock My Face Off!!) So, when we got a chance, my brother showed me some of his pictures from being in Alaska. He is currently working with a white-water rafting company. He rows a group down the water 2-3 times a day. Play and working out for your job in a beautiful place - what a gig.

It is incredible up there. Despite the 12 minutes of "sundown" they experienced on June 21st, I could live there. Amazing sites. Amazing adventures. Salmon galore! I can only imagine the hunting!

Between white-water runs he decided to pull a prank on some people. He had a friend get his camera and utilize the movie recorder function to capture the whole thing. (I will soon, hopefully, have the movie to share). He dressed up in a bear suit. Seriously, the whole thing was awesome. He gets on the river side and walks like a bear. He times it perfectly for when the next group comes down the river. It's a group of Japanese vacationers. As they pass, they whip out their tele-photo lenses and start snapping pictures. They thought he was a bear!! Awesome!! But what was even better was when, on the video, you see him stand up and start dancing like their is no tomorrow. The Sprinkler. Air Guitar. Every 80's move you've ever thought about. It was HA-LARIOUS! I about died!

Family is good for the soul! I haven't laughed like I did that weekend in a long, long time! Cherish your loved ones!